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DebLed's avatar

Thank you for this. I lost both of my in laws last year, within a 2 week period. We dealt with all of the same exact things you wrote about. It is so hard, and yet, knowing their love for each other, our memories of that love, and knowing they're together again today with no suffering, is a true blessing. God's blessings to you and your family.

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Kathryn DeFea's avatar

So sorry you had to watch your in-laws go through this. I really do think that it can soften the blow of mortality though. There were many days over the last two years when my dad seemed much happier than her was when my mom was dying and he was more aware that he was losing her. It makes you realize how important love is for the transition out of this world.

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Doc Ellis 124's avatar

That's not a gentle fog....

Dementia is something I would not wish on even the ones I most despise. My mom and maybe my sister are going through dementia. It's a shitstorm for survivors who have to watch the decline of the experiencers.

Thank you for this essay.

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Kathryn DeFea's avatar

I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy-that said, it’s really hard on those around the sufferer more than the sufferer.

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Kathryn DeFea's avatar

I thought again about your comment because I agree, but I prefer to think of it as gentle on those experiencing it-both having watched my parents and knowing it is probably in my future and there’s nothing that can be gained by worrying about it.

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NaplesD's avatar

Thanks for writing this, Kathryn. It increased my understanding of the inevitable stage of life that we experience with our loved ones, and fear for ourselves. Dementia is having one foot in reality, and the other in an imaginary world. Are the “victims” suffering? Certainly, we as the interested witnesses do, as a result of our inability to comprehend and adjust.

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Charles Mccarville's avatar

All I can say is how lucky he was to have had you as his daughter.

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Mindy F.'s avatar

So sorry for your loss Katie! I've lost 2 friends and my step-grandma to dementia. Something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy

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Patricia's avatar

Beautifully written. Thanks for sharing.

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Joel Peralez's avatar

Maybe your dad was engaging with your physically deceased mom in the spiritual world?

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Mystic William's avatar

My Mom was Welsh. But she left Wales as a war bride and lived in California and Canada for the next 45 years until she died. Lung cancer went into her brain. She had lost her native language decades before. She grew up speaking Welsh. In her final days, when she was barely speaking, it came back. She chattered away in Welsh. Once a day or so before she died she became very alert and said ‘oh they’re all here singing!’ We asked who and she said all her Welsh friends were in a choir singing hymns to her. .

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Alan Miner's avatar

Wow! What a beautiful, poignant, painful essay! Dementia seem so much harder on the ones around the sufferer than on the sufferer him or herself. Your deep love of your dad shines through the frustration and increasing grief of gradually losing him to the "gentle fog." As does his love for you and, especially, for your mom.

Beautifully written, beautifully expressed. You're one of those very rare people: an accomplished scientist with the depth and breadth of perception of an artist.

I'm so sorry you lost your dad, and thank you for writing this essay!

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Jim J Wilsky's avatar

Kathryn, I'm the new guy here and I just randomly chose this post to read first. What a fantastic introduction to you and Demystifying Science. I'll start by saying that I have less than zero medical knowledge, but I was highly impressed when you didn't try to explain the unexplainable. Although you did explain a great deal, you stopped when you had to and gave the answer that so many in the medical field find so hard to give, which is - we don't know. When it comes to the brain, I'm not sure we'll ever know everything about it. Future advancements will be made, and greater knowledge will undoubtedly be gained, but the complexities of the human brain, its abilities and how it functions, just seem far too infinite. Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt and well written post. - Jim

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